I live in Portland. During most winters what you get is rain. A lot of it. And grey skies as well. But with moderate temperatures. This winter, however, has been a record setter, with colder than usual temperatures and more snow than the city has seen in a while. Sure it snows here every now and then, and we do get ice, but this winter has hit hard. And, as many of you have noticed in the news, Portland doesn’t do well with big snow storms and ice events (see The Wall Street Journal’s “Oh, No, It’s Snowing! What’s Poor Portland to Do?”). In fact, the city comes to a stop. Work is called off. Schools close and children don’t go to class.
So it was the combination of this winter’s weather and the winter break that schools provide that allowed me the privilege of taking care of my son for more than month. Now, I love my son. He truly is a great kid. I think he’s one of the smartest at his age (but who amongst us proud parents wouldn’t say the same about their own child). He’s eleven now and, as with any age, there are challenges. Sometimes we call them opportunities. But I learned a tremendous amount during the day in and day out of watching him and taking care of him. So most people might ask, “what does taking care of your son have to do with leadership?” As I thought through it in the weeks since then, I saw several lessons that are quite applicable to leaders in the workplace and the lessons they convey. Here are a few of them.
First, I would be remiss not to give a sincere shout out, thanks, and appreciation to all of the stay-at-home parents out there who do this on a continuous basis. Especially the mothers. It’s true that to understand what a person is going through that sometimes you have to walk in their shoes. While I’m not sure my experience completely counts as ‘walking in their shoes’ (after all it was only a little more than a month) I certainly have a much better appreciation. And this is perhaps the best observation to begin with: to spend time walking in the shoes of the people you lead. There’s no better way to understand what they are going through and the issues they face then to actually experience it. As a leader, having that understanding goes a long way. Not only does your credibility increase, but it gives you an added opportunity to improve your coaching and mentoring of those individuals by being able to contribute first-hand experience.
The next thing I learned is that children develop a mind of their own and while it’s our job to provide guidance and direction, ultimately only they determine and choose their own behaviors and outcomes. An excellent HR Manager I worked with (who was also a great business partner and sounding board) had a passage near his desk written by Kahlil Gibran:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday
It’s easy to want to tell your children what to do, how to do it, and the proper behaviors. It’s also easy to solve their problems for them. I realized that you can tell them until you’re blue in the face. In the end, they will decide their actions and their behaviors. You are there to provide guidance and coaching and to help them learn to solve their own problems too. In a similar fashion, the teams that you lead will determine their own actions. They own their behaviors. Leaders provide guidance and coaching along the way and help them to become problem solvers on their own. Often managers try to form teams of clones who act and behave just like themselves. It must be the right way to act and behave because that is what the manager knows and what led to their success. However, as Kahlil Gibran says, “seek not to make them like you.” Don’t tell and dictate, rather guide and coach to instill the behaviors you’re looking for.
The last lesson I’ll share is a great lesson, particularly in leading smart and bright people. When we got our first snow storm and the city shut down, my son dabbled in mundane things that were interesting to him, played some games, and, of course, went outside to sled and play in the snow. After a couple of weeks and at the time of the second snowmageddon I noticed that he was in a rut. He went about the same routine and he complained about being bored, yet he still went about the routine. This caused the occasional venting. I decided to introduce some new ideas and new work that he could do, sticking with some of his interests: art, science, and cooking. He started working on some new and different ‘projects’ that added to what he was doing and brought diversity to his routine. It was what he was interested in and he dug into it. He really sunk his teeth into it. I found a couple of things from this. One, there was less venting after increasing his engagement in different, yet interesting, tasks. Second, he was excited about learning more and showing what he could do. The leadership lesson here is that you have to keep finding ways to engage your best and brightest people. If they are not challenged, they follow the same routines and can easily get into a rut. They will get restless and bored. Some may even act in ways they wouldn’t ordinarily. Constantly providing new and different challenges to your team keeps them engaged, improves their skills, and makes them happier.
There you have it. Three simple lessons from taking care of my son that I learned can be directly related to leading others. What lessons have you learned from your kids?


